Just a small-town girl,
living in a not-so-lonely world….
I grew up in rural America on the outskirts of a town with only one four-way stop sign. Yep! You read that right, not even a stoplight. You could say it was a create-your-own-fun kind of town. While the kids I saw on TV or in movies were roaming the mall or riding bikes in their cul de sacs, I spent most of my time out in the woods climbing trees, building forts, and making mud pies or the occasional ‘healing potion’ that I had invented to save the world. (Saving the world was a big thing for me.)
My community was quiet, and safe, and for the most part, it was a great place to grow up. On the flip side, it was also very conservative and mostly Catholic community. To say that coloring outside the lines was discouraged, is an understatement. Being raised in a family and community with “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” ideals meant that hard work was valued over dreaming, but it also taught me grit and how to keep going no matter what happened. Although I fell in line and tried to please everyone, I never really fit into that world. I felt like a misfit and often wondered if I was the milkman’s kid. The only problem with that theory was we didn’t have a milkman. So that mystery is still unsolved.
Beyond nature, I cultivated my curiosity with Choose Your Own Ending books from my school’s library and fueled my dreamer’s heart with big-city ideals through the movies I watched. I enjoyed writing, singing, and drawing even though no programs were around to help me further develop those interests. Even if there were, my family wouldn’t have been able to afford them.
Shortly after college, I went the traditional route that was expected of me. I got married at age 26 (almost old maid status in my hometown) and eventually pursued the field of education because I wanted to have a purpose and make a difference in the world, not just work to make money.
Fast-forward to 2009, I landed in New York City at 29 years old. My husband was transferred for work, and I felt like a fish out of water with my khaki pants and brightly colored shirts in a sea of black uniforms.
I hated it at first. It was loud, fast, and I got passed up at the deli counter several times because I got stumped by their question, “Do you want that on a roll?” What the heck was a roll?
How would I go on trips or enjoy eating out at restaurants? Who was I without the fairytale storyline of get married, have kids, and live happily ever after that we are told as women since childhood? My answer to this question, I kept myself extremely busy. I ran 8 marathons, traveled to 12 new countries, and lost myself in my “hero” profession as an educator. I also attempted to start dating for the first time in my life in New York City. (Boy was that interesting!)
After spending several years with an on and off relationship with dating apps and over a year of my life dating a guy that led me to question my self-worth, I decided to try something different.
After several years in NYC, I finally got the hang of it. I ditched my khakis for A-line skirts and stopped apologizing whenever I accidentally brushed up against people on the subway. But something else was also happening. None of the people I was meeting my age in NYC were married. I was seeing women leading different lives than where I grew up. I started questioning how I was raised. Maybe I didn’t need to be married or have kids to live a fulfilled life.
Four years later, I was divorced, childfree, and trying to rediscover myself again. At first, I was lost…
In 2021, I knew something had to change. I decided to take myself out of the dating game completely. As of today, I’m celebrating three full years of being single and un-partnered. Through these years of being alone, have I been lonely at times? Of course. But what I realized is that even surrounded by people, you can feel lonely. I felt lonely in my marriage even though I was sharing a home with that person. I felt lonely in NYC even though I was surrounded by millions of people everyday. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. This is a choice that we make.
These last three years have helped me realize that life isn’t about finding someone, its about finding YOURSELF. I started refusing to settle because I knew how hard I had to fight for my peace, independence, and this new life I had created. Also, being alone allowed me to get back to the childhood dreams I’ve always held in my heart. But most importantly, I have realized I already had the best life partner I could ever hope for - myself.
